Today was good. I left work mid-day to get a run in with a friend. I think I will try to do that more often. I enjoyed being outside, I enjoyed seeing the sunshine, I enjoyed the company and the fresh air. As long as there isn't anything pressing in my office, it is fine for me to take an extended lunch and make up for it in the morning or evening, which I would prefer to having to take that time doing the workout. Early morning and late evenings are difficult for me to motivate physically for.
The run was good. I am a little frustrated with myself for the second half, but I hope to learn the lesson and move on. I was really proud of myself for the first mile, 9:45 and I kept my HR in Z2. The second half I should have done one of two things: a) stayed at the pace I was planning to keep and let my running partner do their own workout and catch me later, or b) actually keep up with my running partner and push a little harder. Instead, I decided to run with my partner, but didn't go as fast as they did out of the gate so I lost them, then spent the entire remainder of the run trying to catch up, getting angry at myself for running too fast, slowing down then getting angry at myself for being so slow and trying to catch up. All the while, feeling emotional and conflicted instead of focusing on my workout. My HR was all over the place instead of in a zone that was consistent and I felt angry instead of happy.
I decided, after we caught each other again, that I needed to see what had actually happened - I made a bad decision for me. It is not the other person's fault.
I am trying really hard to do two things that I usually don't do. I am trying to be more open about how I actually feel and I am trying to be more honest about how I actually feel. Typically, this run would have been fine. I probably would have blasted myself out keeping up with the other person in the first place, no one would have had any problems with it. I would have denied myself any personal gain by doing whatever the other person wanted. They would have been happy and I would have been happy.
But, I'm trying to be more honest with myself and true to myself, so I tried to make a decision that was closer to what I wanted, but I only half made it. So I got angry. When I got angry, I decided that I needed to be open about how I felt. But what I had to do first was be completely honest with myself about who I was angry with. My first instinct was to be angry at the other person. But that's not true. Yes, I was upset that things panned out the way they did, but I am the one to blame for the outcome, not them. They stuck to their plan. I did not. So I had to admit to myself that I was angry at me.
What resulted was that I still felt angry and couldn't quite communicate why.
This is the conflict that I have been going through. I really don't know what to do. I feel like my life is happier when I'm just happy to make other people happy. It makes me sad and angry when I try to do what "I should do" or what "is best for me" because it often goes against what the other people in my life are doing. Conflict upsets me. Conflict I caused upsets me even more.
So what is better? Being happy and never quite getting your way but still enjoying the company of others, or being angry and sad and doing what you were supposed to do, but having to do it by yourself.
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